Not Writing

I'm struggling.  Meds are all messed up and my doctor had to change an entire schedule of treatment because things aren't going the way they're supposed to go.  Which is depressing in and of itself, but the meds not working also CAUSES depression and instability, so... extra awesome. But on top of that, exacerbated by …

Ease

Today is better.  Sir stepped things up today and it helped. The dishes are done and put away.  The laundry is done and put away.  The kitchen is clean.  The house is swept.  The fridge has food in it for the week.  I finished all of my school work that I needed done for tomorrow. …

My Anxiety

  I'm tired.  I'm tired of being sick.  I'm tired of drugs and tests and needles and worrying. I'm tired of... people... believing my front. I'm tired of people trying to talk to me, plan with me, make arrangements, involve me in things... as if they think I have the capacity to even discuss anything …

Memories

  This month is the five year anniversary of T's death.  He attempted this week, five years ago.  He died five years ago at the end of the month.  Sometimes I can't believe it's been five years already.  Sometimes I can't believe it's been only five years. I spent most of this weekend deeply depressed. …

Rain – Moments with Sir

I could hear him approach me, and I flinched.  "I don't want to be touched!  Please..." Sir stopped, one hand already outstretched to comfort.  That hand hung for a moment in the air between us, then curled into a fist and I heard him sigh.  "Okay." A spasm of agony wrenched my chest and I …

The Edge

My fingers move over the keys, not typing, just moving because... I have to move.  My legs are twitching, my eyes are too wide, I can feel it but I can't stop. The depression has been ice in my veins, lead shot in my limbs, defeat, sloth.  But now it has been enervated like Frankenstein's …

Herx

I'm having a herx.  Doesn't that sound intriguing?  A herx is basically a backlash reaction from toxin-binding treatment.  I have to take a drug to bind toxins from the genetic disease  that I have.  The toxins have been storing in my fat cells for decades and binding to my insulin receptors (thus I can't actually …

Why I’m Stuck

Note:  This became a question/answer, except I didn't write the questions (Sir was sitting here asking me questions and making me type the answers...)  Sorry for the weird format. This is an on-demand writing...  I've been sitting in front of the computer for almost an hour... looking at shoes...  Sir finally came in to see …

Loneliness

I feel like... since I've been doing this "write every day, what a brilliant idea!" thing... I've felt, overall, a lot more... emotional upheaval, directly related to posting here.  I have emotional upheaval all the time for other reasons, obviously, but there's a particular flavor that is... this... daily writing. And it isn't the DOING …

Ignorance and Justification

Someone said something stupid on Facebook, today.  I know...  Earth shattering news, right?  The thing is, it was someone I really thought was better than that.  And she is... in some ways... and not... in this way.  She chose to go into a topic that 1.) she really knew nothing about, 2.) she had a …