Memories

  This month is the five year anniversary of T's death.  He attempted this week, five years ago.  He died five years ago at the end of the month.  Sometimes I can't believe it's been five years already.  Sometimes I can't believe it's been only five years. I spent most of this weekend deeply depressed. …

Bad News

I got some bad news yesterday.  And some bad possibility that won't be answered for a few more days.  And... I just... I just can't. I didn't post last night. I should do a back post tonight to make up for it. But I can't. I can't write now. I feel like I'm living under …

Output

I'm having a less than easy night.  It's not terrible - certainly not by the bar set by multiple nights this summer - but not... great. I think it's depression, or at least the leading edge of a depression front. Sir thinks that possibly my feeling is akin to burnout (and potentially that's enough to …

Bruised

I survived the night, as did our relationship.  I probably should be old enough to know that it will, and not indulge myself in emotion and drama.  But somehow, sometimes, things just... sometimes perspective fails and it's just... universally terrible. I'm tired.  Still.  I feel beaten.  Like I was in an emotional car wreck, and …

Ignorance and Justification

Someone said something stupid on Facebook, today.  I know...  Earth shattering news, right?  The thing is, it was someone I really thought was better than that.  And she is... in some ways... and not... in this way.  She chose to go into a topic that 1.) she really knew nothing about, 2.) she had a …

Letting Go

Today was my first day of summer break. I worked on lesson plans.  For next year.  For six hours. I washed dishes and vacuumed. I read teaching books.  For four hours. That's my day. My entire day. Tonight depression got hold of me, and I think, maybe I was just running away from it coming …

Comfort Food

I've been having trouble with my stomach recently.  Mostly it's right after breakfast, I get pain in my stomach that gets pretty bad, but it usually goes away in 30 minutes to an hour.  Then today it happened during lunch.  I didn't finish eating.  Then it just got worse and worse and freaked out my …

Settling

Last night was, obviously, rough, but I talked to several good friends today and it felt so good to just... to reach out... and meet outstretched hands in return.  It is still alien to me to share my feelings, to accept compassion, to... talk about... my real self.  But it was positive and healing, and …

Perspectives

I had a rough day yesterday.  I made some poor choices about caring for myself and my body.  Last night I was punished for those choices.  This morning I was... not punished really, because it wasn't for something I did wrong, but... I was punished.  Because I can't use better words than that because I …

So… That happened…

Yeah.  So.  Life was sucking.  Then a rapist bigot became the next president.  I'm sure there have been other rapist bigots in the white house... but none of them quite so openly unapologetic about it.  So... whole new world!  I'm clearly not dealing well with this. My partners, both being, you know, gay, are not …