This month is the five year anniversary of T's death.  He attempted this week, five years ago.  He died five years ago at the end of the month.  Sometimes I can't believe it's been five years already.  Sometimes I can't believe it's been only five years. I spent most of this weekend deeply depressed. … Continue reading Memories


Sir is going to meet with K on Friday night.  He's going to get beaten.  It's a thing they do, and... I've made peace with it in the past, but this time it's upsetting me.  Sir and I have talked this through and he wants me to write about it now. I talked to Sub … Continue reading Weary

Bad News

I got some bad news yesterday.  And some bad possibility that won't be answered for a few more days.  And... I just... I just can't. I didn't post last night. I should do a back post tonight to make up for it. But I can't. I can't write now. I feel like I'm living under … Continue reading Bad News


I survived the night, as did our relationship.  I probably should be old enough to know that it will, and not indulge myself in emotion and drama.  But somehow, sometimes, things just... sometimes perspective fails and it's just... universally terrible. I'm tired.  Still.  I feel beaten.  Like I was in an emotional car wreck, and … Continue reading Bruised


I'm having a herx.  Doesn't that sound intriguing?  A herx is basically a backlash reaction from toxin-binding treatment.  I have to take a drug to bind toxins from the genetic disease  that I have.  The toxins have been storing in my fat cells for decades and binding to my insulin receptors (thus I can't actually … Continue reading Herx


I had a few better days.  Today was... shaky, and tonight it's falling apart.  I had therapy today and it was a particularly tough therapy day.  We talked about writing, and talked about what Sir and I talked about the other night and...  what I wrote, and my feelings, and what's happening with my depression … Continue reading Fear

Shit Day…

That's today.  A shit day.  I'm done.  I was literally ready to quit my job by 8:00 in the morning.  Thank God for my supervisor who must have sensed it in the force and stepped in to save my morning...  Went to lunch feeling pretty good, then the afternoon went to all kinds of hell. … Continue reading Shit Day…