Broken

I took down Sub Brother, and Sir is teetering. I'm not allowed to talk about it in those terms, but... it's true.  My issues over the last six months have put a significant strain on the household.  I've had many many days and nights of screaming flashbacks, sometimes lasting hours, or coming in clusters and …

Family

Someone asked how I identify with the guys in my life... so... I don't really know. But I guess I consider Sir and SB my family.  Sort of.  I still am not totally sure  but for now that seems like an okay definition.  We're a coalition of some sort.  K and J are friends.  I …

Ease

Today is better.  Sir stepped things up today and it helped. The dishes are done and put away.  The laundry is done and put away.  The kitchen is clean.  The house is swept.  The fridge has food in it for the week.  I finished all of my school work that I needed done for tomorrow. …

Output

I'm having a less than easy night.  It's not terrible - certainly not by the bar set by multiple nights this summer - but not... great. I think it's depression, or at least the leading edge of a depression front. Sir thinks that possibly my feeling is akin to burnout (and potentially that's enough to …

Tired

It's 6:30...  I was doing okay at 6.  Now I can barely move my limbs.  It's too hard to type.

Empty – SFD

"I tried to think about photography today, I looked for things on our walk." Devin looks at me.  "That's good." He drags out the second word, questioning, waiting for the rest. "I couldn't.  Nothing was... good." He twists his mouth slightly in sympathy.  And Sir, standing slightly behind me, brushes my hair back behind my …

The Edge

My fingers move over the keys, not typing, just moving because... I have to move.  My legs are twitching, my eyes are too wide, I can feel it but I can't stop. The depression has been ice in my veins, lead shot in my limbs, defeat, sloth.  But now it has been enervated like Frankenstein's …

Shitty First Drafts #3

The murmuration of traffic beyond the line of trees is almost hypnotic as she traces the grain of the worn wood with her fingers and her eyes. The porch creaks as he crosses the old boards and stands, wordless, behind her. A breath of wind makes the sparse spring leaves around the deck whisper. "You'll …

Fear

I had a few better days.  Today was... shaky, and tonight it's falling apart.  I had therapy today and it was a particularly tough therapy day.  We talked about writing, and talked about what Sir and I talked about the other night and...  what I wrote, and my feelings, and what's happening with my depression …

Struggling

I'm sure I've hidden it so well, no one has noticed... but I've been struggling a little bit.  Nothing life threatening, just crappy.  I'm rapid cycling, but at the low end of the spectrum... so... if mood is a continuum...  like a number line... and the distance between high mood and low mood is a …