Decisions

I haven't been sleeping well.  For a while.  Probably why I got sick... and now... mania... It's been coming on for a couple days now that I look back at it.  And the drugs for the asthma... trigger me... and not sleeping... and beginning work... and so much... stimulation. Today I had to work on …

My Anxiety

  I'm tired.  I'm tired of being sick.  I'm tired of drugs and tests and needles and worrying. I'm tired of... people... believing my front. I'm tired of people trying to talk to me, plan with me, make arrangements, involve me in things... as if they think I have the capacity to even discuss anything …

Shit Getting Real

I had an appointment with my doctors, both of them together, 'cause that's just how awesome I am.  My male doctor was actually really nice today... he was kind, supportive, respectful, went out of his way to tell me how hard I've been working and how I deserve to get well and that none of …

Slider

I had a rough patch for a few days.  Therapy went hard and I went into a spiral and for some reason (I'm sure therapy could explain it) I became almost intolerably self-critical for several days. And I know it's easy for people to scold or dismiss my self-criticism.  It's easy to say, "You're too …

Have you tried…? Rantiness

I didn't know what I was going to write about tonight.  I'm really exhausted.  The dysphoric state passed and today was...  functional.  Not terrible.  I didn't have a lot of energy, but I got a few things done and didn't feel utterly miserable the whole day.  So... win?  But my brain is literally exhausted and …

The Edge

My fingers move over the keys, not typing, just moving because... I have to move.  My legs are twitching, my eyes are too wide, I can feel it but I can't stop. The depression has been ice in my veins, lead shot in my limbs, defeat, sloth.  But now it has been enervated like Frankenstein's …

Bodying

I've been able to eat more the last couple of days... like... soup... and a few pieces of meat.  Which, really, isn't a lot of food, but after four days of 1 teaspoon of unflavored gelatin... a day... this seems like feasting. My stomach isn't perfect, but it's definitely better.  I'm still anxious about eating …

Starvation

Well, my food consumption for the day: Breakfast - 1 tablespoon of herbal tea gelatin, unsweetened Lunch - 3 tablespoons of coconut milk yogurt, unsweetened Dinner - 2 tablespoons of herbal tea gelatin, unsweetened, 1/2 cup of chicken bone broth My stomach isn't trying to kill me anymore. It's still tender and gets mad when …

Comfort Food

I've been having trouble with my stomach recently.  Mostly it's right after breakfast, I get pain in my stomach that gets pretty bad, but it usually goes away in 30 minutes to an hour.  Then today it happened during lunch.  I didn't finish eating.  Then it just got worse and worse and freaked out my …

Sickerness

So walking pneumonia rapidly became ambulance ride and tubes in my arms pneumonia.  Terrific.   And it wasn't my fault!  I took the antibiotics and rested and drank fluids!  I didn't bring it on!  The ER said that pneumonia is just like that... I'm upright again now (lots more antibiotics and steroids later), but still not …