I haven't been sleeping well.  For a while.  Probably why I got sick... and now... mania... It's been coming on for a couple days now that I look back at it.  And the drugs for the asthma... trigger me... and not sleeping... and beginning work... and so much... stimulation. Today I had to work on … Continue reading Decisions

My Anxiety

  I'm tired.  I'm tired of being sick.  I'm tired of drugs and tests and needles and worrying. I'm tired of... people... believing my front. I'm tired of people trying to talk to me, plan with me, make arrangements, involve me in things... as if they think I have the capacity to even discuss anything … Continue reading My Anxiety


I had a rough patch for a few days.  Therapy went hard and I went into a spiral and for some reason (I'm sure therapy could explain it) I became almost intolerably self-critical for several days. And I know it's easy for people to scold or dismiss my self-criticism.  It's easy to say, "You're too … Continue reading Slider

The Edge

My fingers move over the keys, not typing, just moving because... I have to move.  My legs are twitching, my eyes are too wide, I can feel it but I can't stop. The depression has been ice in my veins, lead shot in my limbs, defeat, sloth.  But now it has been enervated like Frankenstein's … Continue reading The Edge


I've been able to eat more the last couple of days... like... soup... and a few pieces of meat.  Which, really, isn't a lot of food, but after four days of 1 teaspoon of unflavored gelatin... a day... this seems like feasting. My stomach isn't perfect, but it's definitely better.  I'm still anxious about eating … Continue reading Bodying


Well, my food consumption for the day: Breakfast - 1 tablespoon of herbal tea gelatin, unsweetened Lunch - 3 tablespoons of coconut milk yogurt, unsweetened Dinner - 2 tablespoons of herbal tea gelatin, unsweetened, 1/2 cup of chicken bone broth My stomach isn't trying to kill me anymore. It's still tender and gets mad when … Continue reading Starvation

Comfort Food

I've been having trouble with my stomach recently.  Mostly it's right after breakfast, I get pain in my stomach that gets pretty bad, but it usually goes away in 30 minutes to an hour.  Then today it happened during lunch.  I didn't finish eating.  Then it just got worse and worse and freaked out my … Continue reading Comfort Food


So walking pneumonia rapidly became ambulance ride and tubes in my arms pneumonia.  Terrific.   And it wasn't my fault!  I took the antibiotics and rested and drank fluids!  I didn't bring it on!  The ER said that pneumonia is just like that... I'm upright again now (lots more antibiotics and steroids later), but still not … Continue reading Sickerness