Seen!

I have a friend I’ve mentioned here before.  He is a writer and runs an uber-popular professional blog about writing.  Because I am a kind of geyser and sit quietly for a long time building up pressure before having explosions of risk-taking, I have followed him and chatted with him in small ways for quite a long time, but recently took a plunge (after reading one of his old posts) and reached out to him with some very personal things (big risk) and was very messy and impulsive and apologized too much all over him, and luckily he was okay with my messiness.

He occasionally posts writing by “guest bloggers” to his blog, which gives him a day off blogging, so, of course, I thought I could give him a day off as he had been so awesome to me and encouraging to me.  So I took another giant leap of risk, I offered to write a guest blog (sort of in passing, mixed in with some other offers) he seized it, offered me a topic, and I wrote something.

I spent a lot of time hating it and being terrified, but I sent it to him.  I THEN revised it four more times (I had revised it before I sent it, but, you know… I’m bad at revision).  He accepted it and today… he put it on his blog in front of a bazillion people who read his blog and…

I am having feels!

I will sort them out further and write better about them, but for now, there are just so many feels.  They are all bumping up against each other and taking turns riding my brain.

I’ve been running ragged and today my physical body hit some serious walls – I started bleeding again (no, it’s not just a period), and I physically collapsed in a store after work.  I am still not clear whether I passed out or just fell, there’s some blurriness that may have been a very brief loss of consciousness.  But it was a little terrifying.  I’ve only passed out once before in my life, and I knew the reasons behind that one.

But I came home and my friend had let me know he was going to post my article, and I looked online and… there it was.  On his blog.  On Facebook.  Being seen.

I wasn’t prepared for just how deeply it would affect me to be seen in this way.  My true self, or at least a part of it that I never show in such a public way…

I feel… almost… mainstream… for the first time ever in my life.

I get it that those people who have always been mainstream might not really get what it means to someone who hasn’t, who has had to hide for literally their entire life.  But… it is… an indescribable feeling.

I slept four hours this afternoon and I’m still exhausted.  I’m getting on a plan tomorrow for a week-long vacation.  Hopefully, I can find some kind of center and get my life sorted enough that I can start getting my body at least a couple steps back away from the edge.

But, until then… check it out… I’m legit!  Broken Mirror

And check out the rest of his blog while you’re there. Even if you’re not a writer, the articles are entertaining, touching, and important for all of us, writers or not!  He’s an amazing person and inspiration for me in my battles.  Check him out!  Writing About Writing

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